My mother chose both of my names before I was born. The first name was because she liked the sound of it, while the second was chosen because I needed a Japanese name, so she chose one that she thought would fit the daughter she had envisioned. She didn't look into the meanings of the names she chose.
My Brazilian name is uncommon among people my age, while my Japanese name is quite popular among people of Japanese descent. When I was a child, I didn't like both of my names, one because it was uncommon and the other because it was too common.
I didn't understand why I had two names, but many people around me had a Brazilian name and a Japanese name, so it was something I didn't question much. I only started to realize that having two names wasn't that common when I went to an environment where there weren't many people of Japanese descent. I feel like my mother chose to give me a Japanese name to maintain her family's tradition. This is a supposed tradition among people of Japanese descent, I believe it is to connect these people to their ancestors and remind them of where they came from.
I grew up feeling fragmented because I had two different names and because I was mixed race. In some places I was called by my first name, while in others I was called by my middle name. It was as if there were two personalities inside me, each one following one of the names, one side was treated with more seriousness and coldness, while the other was considered sweeter and more approachable.
My Batchan couldn't pronounce my first name correctly. So, in my maternal family, everyone calls me by my Japanese name, while in other environments like school and work, my first name was more common. When people who weren't so close to me called me Tiemi, it felt a bit strange, just like when my family called me by my first name.
I don't have a Japanese surname, which confuses many people. Even today, many people think that my middle name, Tiemi, is a surname and that I am related to other Tiemis or that I know several other Tiemis. In a way, I know other Tiemis, but that's because it's a common name among Japanese-Brazilians. Since my surname is not Japanese, but rather "Silva", the most common surname in Brazil, I've had times when people didn't believe me, laughed at me or even questioned my ancestry and my name. This made me question my own identity.
When people ask me what my name means, I don't know how to answer. Abstractly, it seems that one means blue-green, which places great value on humanity and friendship, and is also the name of a solitary yellow flower, while Tiemi seems to mean the seed of wisdom. In a way, I feel like the meanings of my names are something I should reach within myself, but I'm still learning how to be someone who values people and seeks knowledge.
If you ask me what I prefer to be called, I don't know how to answer, because I am both names. Today I feel like I am putting together all the fragments that make up who I am. I have come to like the combination of my names and I feel like my middle name really helps me feel connected to my ancestors in some way. I am Yonsei and grew up far from the culture and traditions of my ancestors, but I am trying to find some way to find the fragments of my family's stories and traditions to feel more connected to my ancestry.
I realize that I have accepted multiculturalism within myself, through my different ancestries. I am both one name and the other and you can call me by either of my names, as both complement each other and are part of who I am and who I want to be in the future, learning a little more with each passing day.
© 2024 Glaucia Tiemi Silva
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